The following is information about managing family stress. It's from
Debbie Lorence, University of Louisville's Kentucky Autism Training
Center, who gave a handout that I thought may help:
I will try not to avoid conflict altogether - instead, I will try to
not let the little things that bother me BUILD UP until one of us
explodes the issue into a large fight; I will try to talk about it with
my partner within 48 hours, or let it go; I will try to set an
appointment within the next 24 hours to have our discussion if my
partner doesn't want to discuss the matter immediately.
I will try not become defensive - instead, I will try to listen and
hear my partner out; I will try to address my partner's complaints with
objectivity and with a willingness to understand; I will try to remain
calm and in control of my emotions.
I will try not to overgeneralize - instead, I will try to lose the
words "always" and "never"; I will try to avoid catasrophizing; I will
try to avoid the focus on isolated events and assuming all future
events will be the same; I will try to stop and think if the things I
am saying are really true.
I will try not to always be right - instead, I will try to stop looking
at things as being "right" or "wrong" and that my opinions are always
right and my partner's are wrong; I will try to recognize that
sometimes two points of view are valid; I will try to look for
effective ways to compromise; I will try to accept that my partners
might have a different opinion that I do and that sometimes we might
need to agree to disagree.
I will try not to read my partner's mind - instead, I will try to
resist the idea that I "know" what my partner is thinking and that
those thoughts are contrary to mine; I will try to avoid assigning
motives to my partner's actions - "You are only saying/doing this
because..."; I will try to avoid jumping to conclusions and hear my
partner out.
I will try not to deny the positive - instead, I will try to refrain
from holding the magnifying glass to the negative events while I
dismiss the positive - for example, I will focus on the nine things
that go right instead of the one thing that goes wrong; I will try to
expect positive things to happen rather than thinking of positive
things as flukes - this will help me to eliminate those "Yeah, but...."
responses when my partner proposes a solution to a problem.
I will try not to forget to listen - instead, I will try to listen
carefully - don't think about what I am going to say next while my
partner is talking; I will try to reflect back what my partner is
saying so he/she feels heard; I will try to avoid interrupting; I will
try to look at my partner when we are having a conversation and pay
attention to his/her body language; I will try to use "I" statements
instead of "You" statements.
I will try not to play the "Blame Game" - instead, I will try to
refrain from criticizing and blaming others for the situation; I will
try to avoid trying to "shame" my partner as being "at fault"; I will
try to use the opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess
the needs of both parties, and try to reach a solution that helps both
of us; I will try to refrain from personalizing my stressors - blaming
myself for things over which I have no control creates more stress for
me.
I will try not to always feel I need to "win" - instead, I will try to
come to a resolution and a mutual understanding that respects the needs
of both of us; Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that
both parties can be happy with.
I will try not make character attacks - instead, I will try to avoid
calling each other names; we will refrain from blaming one another or
make accusations; I will try to respect my partner even if I don't like
his/her ideas or behavior; I will try to avoid bringing up past
conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic.
Submitted by: Sandy Knollman
co-founder of Autism 4 Families
